OntariOH NO

What’s this? Two posts in two days? I better slow my roll, I don’t want anybody getting the idea that I’m competent, or anything.

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Ruh-roh.

Whenever smug Canadians point out that electing a craven hard-right populist like Donald Trump could NEVER happen in Canada due to, I dunno, niceness, or smug superiority, or something, this election will serve as a constant reminder to them that they’re full of shit.

The Ontario provincial election has come and gone, and, as one would expect from a voter turnout of, as of Thursday night, about 57%, it went about as well as I predicted. Which is to say that everything is fucked.

(For my election preview, click here.)

That Ford boy done went and got himself elected Premier of Ontario.

doug-ford-laugh
Gawd dammit, Dougie.

I’ve wasted too much breath on this vacant doofus, a̵̛̞᷊̬ͫ̽᷀̈ͭ᷉ͭ͊̍͢n̡̰̙ͪ᷁᷄͐d̻͒̏ a᷆̍̂l͈͕͓̃̄ͩͭs̯̬̑ͤ̚͏͖̰͓̬̿͌̏͢͡o̷̢̙̤̦̔᷉ͬ̀͛͢ ̸̵̼̫̘̓͊̊I̅ͤ͝’̻͠͝m̵̟̭̣̻͇͍̼̖͛̒͛ͬͪ᷅ͯ̃ͯ̎ͩ͑͞͡ j̫̦͜á̘͓͕ͩ͛ͯċ̢̱ͧ᷁᷈ͦ͜͜͞͏͔͔̫͒ḳ̲͛̈́̈͊͜e̛̬͕̼̼̫̲͑ͣ̽ͅd̢͉ͬ o͘̚ͅn̢͕͝ c͏̪ͫo̎̈́͌u̵͖᷃ĝͮ̒h̦ͨ̿ ṁ̬ͧe͌᷾᷅d͔̓͆i̳̭͠ĉ̈́̈i᷃͛ͪn͔̠̰eͯ̚͢ a͓̋̄n̻̅͂d͓᷇͝ b᷃͑͠a͈᷾ͯṱͧ̑h᷿͚̎ ̟͈̲̬͎̈́͂ͩș́̽a͍̜ͦḷ͙̠t̴̺̳̹̹ͦ̍̏ͭ̌᷈s̢̥ͧ, so I’ll try to keep this post fairly short, but the long and short of it is that, despite running one of the worst campaigns I’ve ever seeen second only to *checks notes* the 2018 Ontario Liberals, Ford and the PCs capitalized on extreme discontent with now-ex-Premier Kathleen Wynne’s Liberal government on their way to claiming just over 40% of the popular vote which, thanks vote-splitting (more on that in a second) to Canada’s totally fair and not completely broken at all First-Past-the-Post electoral system, translates to 76 of the Ontario legislature’s 124 seats, and a majority government. Democracy is strange.

Taking over as the Official Oppostion to the freakshows in government are Andrea Horwath and the New Democratic Party, who captured 40 seats (assuming they win the currently-undecided riding of Kiiwetinoong) and around 33% of the popular vote, which is a big improvement for them, even if it wasn’t as much as they were probably hoping. Horwath has probably bought herself another four years as party leader, and why not? She built up quite a bit of momentum during the campaign, and after four years of Doug Ford as premier, it’s not inconceivable to think that people are gonna want another change, assuming the brain worms haven’t propagated too far by then.

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Artist’s recreation.

The Liberals, on the other hand, ate shit. Collapsing to under 20% of the vote and 7 seats, losing any grip on power they had, including official party status. Kathleen Wynne took the fall, resigning as party leader. And if I may break my flawless façade of jaded emotionlessness for a while: Good. I hope she feels really fucking shitty about this for a good long time. Cute trick with the “split the anti-Ford vote to force a minority government” strategy. That definitely helped. And who would ever doubt the geniuses who sold Hydro One?

If there’s even the slightest positive takeaway from this election result, it’s that the Liberals got shit on. They do not deserve your sympathy. I hope the craven, technocratic morons get wiped out next time.

Also, Mike Schreiner won the Green Party of Ontario’s first seat ever, so, uh, good for him. I guess we’ll see if he lives up to the Green Party’s legacy of “achieving the bare minimum and not doing anything of any discernible consequence.”

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I should drink more.

So, there it is, I guess? We’ve got the next for years to see how this unfolds, and it’s not giving off any indication of ending well.

Shit, man, what else is there to say? I guess if I had any pretence of objectivity I would say to keep an open mind and give Doug Ford a chance.

I’m not going to do that. Go riot or something.

 

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